Late this afternoon, the familiar sound of bells and music rolls through the neighborhood of East Bumblefuck NJ. A quiet community of about 1,900. The chimes familiar to all children everywhere, causing them burst in to uncontrollable fits and begin to mercilessly beg their parents for money. The Ice Cream Man!!!
It was about 3:05 pm when the dingy white van with crooked stickers and a make shift window stopped on the sleepy little street. 6 Year old Benjie Wantaby, known to the twitter world as “Th3j35t3r” was anxiously awaiting his spongebob bomb pop when things went terribly wrong. The Ice Cream Man, who was later identified as Joseph Black, snatched the little boy up and drove away, his shrill cries of “j35t3r down! j35t3r down!” could be heard by both of his toothless parents.
His frantic mother called 911 immediately, was put on hold, and eventually after Sherrif Arpaio was done applying copious amounts of grecian formula in case of a press opportunity, an Amber alert was issued and there was a low speed chase past the Tastee Freeze, Poppa Murphy’s Bait and Tackle before ending at the Dingleberry’s Farm when Maybell (the 4H winning heiffer) strolled out in the road blocking the street.
Joseph Black, who was found to be a sockpuppet and not a real person, was later released to custody of MadameTussauds and placed back on display in the visiting “Douchebag’s of Social Media” exhibit in the local chamber of commerce.
When asked how he felt, th3j35ter responded “tickety tock Joe Black loves the cock” and he went back to furiously DDoS’ing the local New Life Church’s Website. Screaming JIHADI BITCHES!!