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Barrett Brown Poised to unleash Cocks

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Famed journalist, self appointed corporate whistle blower, and crash test dummy Barrett Brown has revealed his latest project to show the world just how freaking cool he is. The project he lovingly refers to as Cooperative Ownership of Cool Kid Scripts.  C.O.C.K.S is a repository of awesome tools that anyone with the literacy and computer skills of an 8 year old can use at work to “show the man” we wont stand for the injustices of todays corporate environment.

From the litter riddled hallway outside his dark and needle strewn 289 sq ft apartment in downtown Dallas, he held this impromptu press conference before a  crowd of 2 adoring fans, 3 cockroaches and a dog he lured with a pocket full of a popular meat substitute.

Bare chested, with pock marked arms from years of heroine abuse, scantily clad in a a pair of flip flops, daisy dukes and a tinfoil hat, he muttered and mumbled through a 15 minute release taking frequent brakes to check his phone to see if he was in fact a trending topic yet on twitter.

This reporter tried to explain to him that it wouldnt be public knowledge until we released it later that day, and to point out to him that the phone didnt even appear to be on, but I think my declarations escaped him when he became mentally vacant, lost interest and spent a few minutes doing what appeared to be several failed attempts at biting his own ear.

He  escorted the small gathering to his doorway where he showed us some of these tools.  They include the ability to repeatedly force open your cd tray, pop up ads stating “Close if your gay!” and scrolling “Lol homo” when you did, and an apparent e-mail exploit that sends out messages to all your friends and family, informing them that they have you won the “internet lottery”

“As you can see, these are very effective tools, designed to inform the general public as well as the corporations that they work for, that we are in fact the coming apocolypse and that we will no longer stand for stuffy cubicles, restricted internet access, gestapo like mandates requiring the use of paper towels in the microwave, and the repulsive comic sans memos posted in the break room.”

After his statement was released, he backed up ever so slowly never breaking eye contact, his upper lip glistening with sweat. He paused at the door for a moment, and stated “The workplace apocolypse is upon you mortals! We are 9 people strong watch for us”, he paused a moment and shouted:

“We are C.O.C.K.S! and We the people with malice and forethought, shall unleash said C.O.C.K.S. if necessary, we will not be ignored, we are among you! “

With that he reached over, pressed play on his iPod and began waltzing around the room with a feces covered  broom handle, lending his own screechy voice to an instrumental version of a 1987 Rick Astley song. -”Never gonna give you up,never gonna let you down,never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry,Never gonna say goodbye….”

3 Responses to Barrett Brown poised to unleash COCKS!

  1. Mr Browns Posse says:

    Game on nigga, you will suffer the wrath of 10 of us, thats right were growing mutha fucka.

    • Nick says:

      There is an especially rabid poser-eating squirrel living in the gutters of my house and he has a voracious appetite for asshats and wannabe’s. You have been warned.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I realize that this is some kind of joke. but i so bad want to believe the part about live rickrolling a intervewer. if only there was video.

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Written by ohaiguize

August 4, 2011 at 11:42 am

Posted in Twitter/Facebook

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